the reasons

there could be a hundred or even thousand reasons why i’m still here, somehow making it through my twenties. this piece is stitched together from different version of me. some were written on happy days. some were written after crying for hours. some were written because i didn’t know what else to hold on to. and none of them are.. extraodinary, but somehow, they keep me here.

1. my parents are still here, they watch me dance through life in my own rhythm. and they wait for me to come home, everyday.
2. my brother is getting married this year. we were just little kids once, now he’s building a family of his own. i want to watch him walk down the aisle, look at the woman he loves, and show the world the man he’s become.
3. chi Ân is joining our family, co Hoa chu Hào are welcoming another daughter. Và mình từ nhỏ đã luôn muốn có chị em gái, tại hong thích chơi với Phong.
4. my convocation would look great. my families and friends smiling in the audience after everything this university journey has been.
5. i want to see myself fall in love, one more time. vì yêu và được yêu luôn là những gì con người bám vào để sống tiếp mà, phải không?
6. i want to find a gentler way to live this restless life.
7. Ireland.
8. i still don’t have my driver’s license.
9. a mini cooper. still the dream.
10. the drum set deserves more than heaven (niall horan) and giac mo cua loai nguoi (dau van tay).
11. ánh and I promised ourselves a trip every june.
12. ánh and I have many places we want to go together, but first, back to japan.
13. i promised mom to buy her the designer bag.
14. backpacking. alone.
15. since it is so amazing to listen to anh Hung talk passionately about mechanics, even if I understand almost none of it.
16. since giao hasn’t graduated yet.
17. since giao is the fighter, the hero in my list.
18. since i want to play piano again.
19. that restaurant my ex once took me to.
20. I still haven’t taken enough photos of the people I love.
21. my dream job hasn’t found me yet.
22. i hope chi Vi find the job she’s been working so hard for.
23. since Bảo Hân continues to be one of the most beautiful girls i know.
24. since my parents are still working so hard in their 50s, just like they always have, to give us a better life, to buy us better stuffs.
25. no bowl of bun rieu will ever taste better than mom’s.
26. since Hiếu still figuring out his own path.
27. cemeteries are cold, sad. i’ve been there, one, two times. i don’t want to stay there yet.
28. that emergency room in august still feels like a nightmare.
29. that scar no one knows about.
30. film sets. part of it.
31. niall horan’s concert in vancouver next year.
32. my counsellor hasn’t given up on me yet.
33. i want to go running with dad in the morning.
34. giang is chasing her career with so much heart.
35. the macbook mom bought during the pandemic is still holding on.
36. is my future boyfriend kind?
37. that monthly planner still has many blank pages. and i just bought a cover for it.
38. i want to see my future home will look like.
39. will i buy another pair of black converse?
40. Uyên Nhi and her journey of becoming the lawyer she’s meant to be.
41. i want to lying down on the grass, like used to, the greenest ones i can find.
42. will i still receive more thank-yous email and how many more things i’ll accomplish.
43. is the book precarious gonna end well and shines a light on immigrants’ lives the way i hope it will?
44. will the one who hurt us face the deadly consequences?
45. i have my tatoo drawing list.
46. that motivational wall is still there, quietly reminding me to keep trying.
47. will i still crying in the shower?
48. my parents want to see the world.
49. i want to work for my dream companies.
50. will i become a blogger?
51. i’m still scared going everywhere alone.
52. dad is still learning english everyday, and now french.
53. that album you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love is freaking good, and keeps me repeating every morning.
54. i want to run one more mile.
55. will i be happier?
56. i’m still growing.
57. giang is always there for me. miss this girl little bit more.
58. i was crying texting giang when thinking about this list.
59. is there someday i will die?

probably.

yes.

but not right now.

that i have reasons.

so,

find me

see the world.

build my world.

run myself.